The other day I saw an ad for a show called “Life After Lockup.” I wanted to find out what it was about. My curiosity took me down a rabbit hole to “Love After Lockup,” the first show in the series.
Where have these shows been all my life??? If only I had spare time to watch all the trainwrecks happen, but alas, I do not. I did, however, conduct a little “research.”
Here’s the premise of these shows (As a note, they were created by the same production company that brought us the binge-worthy “90 Day Fiancé”):
“Love After Lockup” follows the stories of several couples. One half of the pair is locked up (obviously), and the other is not. These couples met while the inmate was locked up, prison pen-pal style, I suppose. The non-prisoner is patiently waiting for the love of his or her life to get out of jail.
As you can imagine, all manner of insanity ensues when the former inmate finally gets together in real life with the person who only knew them from the other side of a tiny glass window.
It’s a hoot. It’s also ridiculous. That’s why it’s so hard to turn away.
“Life After Lockup” takes up where “Love After Lockup” left off. It follows some of the same couples now that they’ve been living a “normal” life for some time.
The stories are absolutely wild, which is understandable since many of these people haven’t lived “on the outside” for a long, long time. As SNL’s Stefon would say, “This show has it all: Drugs. Prostitution. Love triangles. Disapproving families. Recidivism.”
After my “research,” I managed to tear myself away from the screen (even though I really wanted to know what Angela would find out when she spied on Tony, or why Lamar lost it at Andrea’s bible study, or whether Josh chose Cheryl over his mother).
But it got me thinking: I’ve had my own “Life After Lockup.” Maybe that should be the title of my memoir! Nah, I’ve got better ideas.
When I say “lockup,” I mean it. I wasn’t just mentally imprisoned through mind control, I was physically imprisoned, particularly on the Int Base. Let me paint the picture:
The base is about 700 acres, surrounded by chain-link fencing. The fencing is topped by one-inch-thick razor wire with spikes pointing in both directions, as well as floodlights. When someone gets close to the fence, motion sensors trip the lights and send a signal to the guard booth at the front gate. That booth is staffed 24 hours, 7 days a week. You should see how fast a security guard can move when one of those motion sensors gets tripped.
Sounds like paradise, right? The epitome of spiritual freedom! Remember, this is the most elite location in all of scientology.
Oh, I forgot to mention the sniper rifles. There’s a heavily camouflaged sniper bunker on the hillside, where the “security guards” can use their telescopic sights to make sure nobody is getting out. They say it’s to prevent people from getting in, but seriously, who would want to?
So yeah, that’s the lockup I escaped from. Fortunately, my “Life After Lockup” has been decidedly more pleasant. No love triangles. No parental disapproval. No drugs—well, unless you count Aleve and Lipitor.
Most importantly, NO recidivism. I’m done with prison life.
Life is FAR better on the outside.