Usually I can get angry and move through it pretty quickly. Not today. I’ve been angry for a good 24 hours, and I can’t get past it. So I’m writing about it. That usually helps.
It’s been brewing for a few days now. The more I rewrite sections of my book, the deeper I’m diving into the REAL feelings — the “I don’t want you to know about that” feelings.
It’s a challenge. I don’t LIKE feeling those feelings. I prefer being happy and peaceful. But I know it needs to be done. Something deep inside me keeps pushing me to go further. I need it for my mental health. And I figure the more I understand myself and what I went through, the more I can help others.
I’ve already written about Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) in this blog, and how it’s affected me. But here’s a quick rundown:
- PTSD usually results from short-term trauma (think car accident, bombing, rape). C-PTSD comes from prolonged exposure to trauma, over a period of months or years, where you feel like you’re trapped and there’s no way out. It’s normally associated with childhood trauma, but there are exceptions. Like cults.
- PTSD can result in nightmares, flashbacks, paranoia, and wild bursts of emotion, among other things. C-PTSD adds on to that with a complete distortion of your concept of self, your faith, your beliefs — basically, your entire world view. I know it did for me. And I’ve worked on my self-esteem, my values, and my belief system a lot over these past 13-ish years. I’m still working on it. Every day.
- With C-PTSD, your memories get scrambled. Sometimes you can remember an incident, and sometimes you can’t. Sometimes you remember things in a different sequence. It’s a lot of fun.
For the most part, I deal with all of this pretty well. But sometimes I get triggered. And all the pain just comes right to the surface.
Like yesterday morning. I was chatting with an old friend who’d managed to leave Scientology and get her family out. But the stories she told me about what happened to her, her husband, and her children, made me FURIOUS.
These are her stories to tell. I’ll never betray that trust. But man, they got me riled up. Unfortunately, I didn’t explode at the time. And now I’m paying the price. It’s all just sitting there, festering.
I’ve been working on getting out of it. Diving into client work helps. So does watching silly TV shows.
But MAN, it’s a lot of slogging. And it’s heavy stuff.
And also — I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE ANGRY! I never wanted to experience anger like this again, but I can’t sit back and be complacent. What Scientologists to do other people in the name of “spiritual freedom” is horrific. I’m sure you’ve heard stories about the lying, the cheating, the money-grubbing, the raping and other forms of abuse.
Scientology isn’t a religion. It’s a business. It’s a con. And it ruins lives. I don’t want ANYONE to go through what I went through, or what my friends went through.
So, I’m gonna be angry for a bit longer. I’m gonna feel all of it. I may punch a wall or two — but more likely I’ll just scream into pillows. That’s safer for these writing hands!
This afternoon, I’m going out for a pedicure. That should help.
But fair warning: I’m an angry cat on the loose right now. Stay out of my way. Or if you can’t, just let me be. I’ll get through this.